BEET: Florida bans insomniacs for being too “woke”

By Anna Di Iorio-Reyes

FLORIDA— In an attempt to crack down on rising “wokeness,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has prohibited all insomniacs from the sunshine state.

“They’re woke,” DeSantis explained. “Martha’s Vineyard should be expecting them any day now.” 

As a result of the ban, TOFIAACITUSOA (The Organization For Insomniac Awareness And Consideration In The United States Of America) has come under harsh fire. 

The group has conducted several press conferences in recent weeks to protect their reputation and speak out against “wrongful and unjust accusations,” as the President of TOFIAACITUSOA said. He added, in tears: “We’re still recovering from our unsuccessful defamation lawsuit against Insomnia Cookies. Please, Florida, have some sympathy. We don’t want to be awake. We just want to sleep!”

Several Florida residents are suing members of TOFIAACITUSOA for “promoting woke agendas,” as they said in a statement. 

“I say good riddance, they hate our country!” said one of the plaintiffs.

Parents have also started backing DeSantis on the ban, concerned for their children’s safety in the classroom.

“I just can’t take the chance that my kids could be being taught by these insomniacs!” cried one mother. 

On Wednesday, a mob gathered outside a local Mattress King in solidarity with the company’s promotion of sleep. Their chants echoed in the mall parking lot: “USA! USA! USA!”