BEET: I Am George Santos

By Sammy Bovitz

Don’t listen to the naysayers: I am George Santos. That glasses-wearing imposter “from Long Island” might claim to be the country’s finest congressman, but it is actually me.

In 2022, I became the first openly Republican man elected to office. I am currently under HOAX investigations by the DOJ and New York State. Readers might think this is impossible, considering the character of “Sammy Bovitz” is allegedly merely a high school senior with no political experience. However, I have actually secretly been in both Washington, DC and New York (and sometimes Long Island, and sometimes Virginia Beach) at the same time, and this has been happening every single day of my life. This has been happening since 1988 or 2005, which naturally is the year that I was born. 

I’d like to address a few important points that some of you non-believers might bring up. First of all, let me finally put to bed this claim someone made that I was “Jew-ish.” This is because while George Santos, who, again, is me, is not Jewish, the character of “Sammy Bovitz” is in fact Jewish. George Santos (who is me, remember?) was excelling at various top businesses like Bud Light and Good Morning America prior to his/my election. Meanwhile, “Sammy Bovitz”– who is me but also is decidedly not me– was attending The Beacon School in New York City.

However, I have chosen this time as the right one for “George”– I mean, “Sammy”–  to “graduate.” Being in two or more places at once is quite exhausting. It was already a lot for my eight brains to handle, but now that I’m renting a portion of one out to an octopus, it’s just becoming too much. Also, “Sammy” is supposed to be attending college in the fall. I can’t risk another fiasco like my first Broadway production (Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, obviously). He– who is me, George, but also cannot possibly be me– will go the way of the dodo. I will forge ahead without him, much like how I singlehandedly forged the Iron Man suit in a cave.

I hope this clears up any confusion.